Over the millennia, mankind has put together a fine list of accomplishments: from agriculture to civilization, from the automobile to modern medicine, to rapid social and technological progress, the human race can rate itself as a highly accomplished species. Among all of these other high-toned achievements, it is also worth mentioning the lesser-known, but no less astonishing attainments of the human body itself. These weird penis tricks and exploits are sure to elevate anyone’s respect for humanity – or at least raise an eyebrow or two. Better, yet, with the right approach to penis care, readers may find that they can make their own mark when it comes to penile fame.
Penile World Records
First, the most impressive of the penile world records are reviewed.
1) The largest and smallest human penis. In terms of sheer proportion, humans are relatively well-endowed, with an average flaccid penis of about 2.5 inches, and 5-6 inches when erect. However, there are extreme variations in size, in both directions. The largest penis ever officially recorded was a whopping 13.5 inches when erect, and the smallest was just.39 inch.
2) Longest ejaculation distance. This record, obtained somehow or other, comes in at 18 feet. Millions of men are currently hard at work trying to do it one better.
3) Fastest ejaculation speed. The fastest ejaculation clocks in at 42.7 miles per hour. Talk about a hosing.
4) The largest all-around penis collection. This would be the Iceland Phallological Museum, containing both intact penises and various penile parts.
5) Longest masturbation session. Nine hours, 58 minutes – and a whole lotta lube.
6) Greatest number of partners in a single day. The jury’s still out on this one, as multiple claims have been made, but the number seems to stick around 102 for a male.
Entertainment and Cultural Venues
For those who are jaded from weeks and years of boring movies, broadway musicals, sporting events and other yawners of the sort, penis puppetry offers a novel and fascinating form of entertainment. Popularized by the Melbourne, Australia duo Simon Morley and David “Friendly” Friend, this unique form of entertainment involves two guys, naked, onstage, performing various comic maneuvers and contortions with their very own flesh puppets.
Party Tricks that Impress
For those who find themselves unable to travel to Melbourne to witness these professionals at work, a little at-home practice with a mirror can help any guy hone some puppetry skills of his own. Some popular party tricks include folding and twisting the penis into various animal shapes, including dogs, cats, bears, bats, and (of course) elephants.
How to care for the trophy-winner
Whether a man is set on besting any of the world records described here, or he simply wants some party tricks for the next boys’ night out, frat party, family reunion or what have you, proper penis care is essential to ensure that the equipment is ready for its debut. After all, puppet tricks with a scaly, reddened, wrinkly member are less likely to impress than those performed with a smooth, supple tool. To achieve that camera-ready glow, men should follow a tri-partite process.
1) Manscaping – a must for those who want to show off their package in all its glory. Using a sharp pair of scissors, a fresh razor, or an electric shaver, men should carefully remove the hair to a level that sets off the penis to its best advantage. For longer hair, it is best to trim it first, before applying a razor. Take care to pull the skin taut to avoid cutting those delicate folds.
2) Spa treatment – a big no-brainer. Start by soaking the manhood in a warm bath – not too hot, to avoid drying and redness. Pull back the foreskin, if still attached, to soak away the smegma underneath. Wash the whole deal with a gentle cleanser, rinse, and towel dry.
3) Moisturize – while the skin is still warm and glowing from the bath, apply a high-end penile moisturizing formula. A specialized penis health cream (health professionals recommend Man 1 Man Oil) is a good bet. Vitamins, amino acids, antioxidants and emollients that are formulated with the penile skin in mind are rapidly absorbed, going straight to work to make sure the star of the show is ready for the next performance.